this blog post is going to be a very personal post for me. the reason i am sharing this is because i feel like it might help and benefit other people, as well as let me tell my story. i want to be as personal and honest as i can with everyone, and this is a major part of me. i hope to raise awareness to anxiety, as well as help those of you who are struggling with it.
as a young child, i had always been at a higher level than everyone else. when i was 3 or 4, i started to read the street signs on the way to our house in vegas, and my parents would be very surprised that i knew what the signs said. i excelled in kindergarten, was always praised by how smart i was and that i was the "smartest kid in the class" in 1st grade, and continued to excel up and until about 4th grade. my fourth grade teacher was one of the worst people i have ever met. she used to constantly tear me down and tell me things like that i was stupid, annoying, obnoxious, etc. one time, i was asked to read in class, and i was doing very well, but i messed up on one word. instead of being a good teacher and telling me how to pronounce the word the right way, she waited until i was done reading and then laughed at me and yelled the right way to say it along with the word "stupid". that is when i really started to hate going to school. i came home and cried that day, starting to believe i actually was stupid. going into 5th grade, i was terrified. my best friend was in a different class, i had (who i heard was.. and ended up being) an awful teacher, i could go on and on. it ended up being really hard for me and my bestfriend to be friends because we were in two different classes, so i had become friends with these 2 girls in my class, who were really nice at the time. it got to a point where everything i said was "stupid" and so they'd make fun of me and they'd kick my legs and i'd leave with bruises up and down my legs everyday. i also had another girl in my class, who i wasn't friends with, who would steal from me and also make fun of me and the way i'd dress, act, everything i did was wrong in her eyes. i left this part out in the beginning, but i'm going to add it here. i started to dance in first grade, and i loved it. it was a passion of mine. i got on a competition team in 2nd grade and was on that dance team until my studio closed when i was in 4th grade. i switched to a different studio. at first, the people there were absolutely amazing, and it was an amazing experience. my mom told all the other moms from my old studio that they should switch to the studio that i was going to. the owner of the studio quickly drew her attention to the new girls, and pushed me to the side. and on top of that, the girls started making fun of me for many things, one of which was the nasty bruises i always had on my legs, and calling me many other nasty things. because the dance teacher wanted to please the new girls, she started putting me in the younger classes to please them. she also, started picking on me and putting me down. so, on top of being teased by kids at school, i was also being teased by people in my dance class, even my dance teacher. i decided at one point, i had had enough and that i wasn't going to let them win anymore. the girl who stole from me all the time was making fun of me one day, so i wrote "what a fucking bitch" on the bottom of my assignment, and i cried through class. when we had to turn the assignment in, i tore that off of the bottom of the paper and threw it on the floor. we then had "secret scrap" (everybody knows what secret scrap is) and she picked that paper off of the floor. she confronted me and told me she was going to turn it in to the principal. i then cried all the way home, and locked myself in my room. she never turned it into the principal, thank goodness, but she sure tried to scare me with it. which really started my anxiety. one of the other girls who would kick me everyday started kicking me again one day, so i called her a bitch and told her to get the hell away from me. she then told my counselor, who called me down to her office, who from then till the end of the year i had to have weekly sessions with for my "anger", and the other girls got off scot-free. my mom wouldn't let me quit dance till the end of the year, because they'd be out all of that money, so i had to suffer through that as well. i was constantly terrified and almost always crying. i decided that since i was done with elementary and we were all going to a new school, i would make new friends that would be better for me, and start fresh at a new school.
that next year, i reconnected with my best friend who was my best friend all the way through elementary except 5th grade. we started to eat lunch together and hang out together. we then sat with a new girl who came from korea and was in our p.e. class. then, we all started inviting new people to sit with us and we became a whole new group of friends. i felt super comfortable with my new friends, and felt like they were good people who would never hurt me like my past friends had. i quit the dance team before school started, even though my mom made me try out, and the owner put me on the younger team, and we dropped out of team, but my mom made me continue classes. i finally got out of classes in december of that year, because that's all i asked for my birthday, and i had officially become a dance dropout. my new and improved life was amazing. everything i had ever wanted. my anxiety at that point went into almost a "remission" if that's possible. i learned to calm down and breathe, and quit thinking of the worst scenario possible. i also had quit swearing at that point in my life, which had benefitted me a ton. i finished the year with flawless grades, amazing friends, and with a better life.
the next year, i had made even more really great friends, and we would talk all the time on facebook messenger. so much, that i had fallen way behind in my school. i trusted all of my friends with my whole life, and i didn't know what i would do without them. i started opening up to my friends, and casually, they opened up back to me. we all knew things about each other that only a couple other people knew. then, one day, i started talking to this girl in my neighborhood who was really nice at the time, but had a completely attitude and standards than i did. she got me back into swearing. something i had worked so hard to get myself away from, and she dragged me back into it. she wouldn't dress as appropriately as she probably should, and was so boy crazy it wasn't even crazy. so, my friends and i would call her a slut and a whore behind her back. she eventually found out, told the counselor, and i was in the counselor's office for calling her a slut and a whore. i started thinking back to where i was in 5th grade, in the counselor's office weekly getting lecture and lecture about my "anger issues" and how i'd needed to be nice to people. my anxiety went insane, and i didn't talk to anybody for a whole week. when i told all my friends about what happened, they helped calm me down and realize that i was alright. a month after all of this had blown over and i had felt fine again, one of my friends had stabbed another one of my friends in the back, and i was stuck in the middle. my anxiety again, had gone crazy. that was a really hard point in my life, because i love them both and i din't know how to pick sides, nor did i want to. so, i didn't. but i had 2 friends who used to be really good friends and now hated each other and it was very difficult. i ended that year split between people, and with my swearing habit back, and with constant anxiety. i had a very hard time talking to my friends over the summer, because i was terrified that they'd think i was too clingy or too distant or too awkward or too whatever. i started to think back to the constant anxiety i had throughout 5th grade, and how at one point i was so terrified that i would live like this the rest of my life that i thought taking my life was better than living like this. and i thought i was going to have to go through it again.
beginning of 8th grade was another new school. but the difference was that i wasn't starting new like i was at the last school. i was going to stay with my friends and figure out my new life. starting the new year, my friend who had stabbed my other friend in the back stabbed me and my best friend in the back, and we both had decided we were done and we were going to do our own thing. at the time, i didn't ever really feel good so i went to go see my doctor. we went and ran some tests, and i was diagnosed with mono, which caused me to be home a lot more than i wanted to be. on top of that, my best friend who had helped me through a ton, was moving. it was very hard on me. i felt like i hit a wall. i was constantly having anxiety attacks, i was terrified to go to school, i was terrified everytime i'd walk out of one class to go to the next one, i'd be terrified to go to lunch, i was terrified of everything. when my best friend had left, i started sitting with one of my old friends and her new friends, which were all completely crazy and totally not my type. i had a very hard time being around them, but that's the only place i felt i could go, despite the fact i had other friends who i loved that would gladly take me under their wing. i felt as if i was going to disappoint them or they wouldn't like me anymore, so i pushed myself away from the people i loved because their opinion of me mattered too much to me, and i didn't want to get hurt. going forward through the year, i actually found that i really like these people that i had been with, and i had learned a ton from them. they left the next year to go to an art school, and it was very difficult for me to let them leave believe it or not.
this year. up to current date. i ended up going back and sitting with the chick who stabbed me in the back, and her friends. i hang out with her friends more than her, but there are times that i do have to deal with her. i don't really talk to my friends who go to the art school, and my friends from 7th grade, which makes me really sad. i only have 3 people who i talk to frequently that i actually like. i get so nervous and scared that i make myself sick without even realizing it. why am i going back to people who hurt me? why am i not talking to people i consider my really close friends? why am i avoiding everything? why do i make myself unhappy? these are questions i ask myself on a daily basis. the answer is, i don't know. i would much rather go and be with my real friends, i'd much rather be happy. i'd much rather live the life i dream of living. there are so many other things i wish i was doing. but i'm not. because i am afraid. i am afraid that if i go back to people that are my close friends that i will do something wrong or embarrassing or offensive and ruin my chances. i'm afraid of disappointment. i'd rather be alone than disappointment. i choose to avoid my friends and be with people i don't like because i am scared i will be disappointed. i choose to be with people i can't stand because their opinions mean shit to me, while my friend's opinions mean so much and i'm terrified i will be disappointed by what they say. i haven't talked to most of my friends since my birthday, which is in december. and that breaks my heart. i tend to come home and cry. i have panic attacks on sundays at the thought of going back to school. i have mental breakdowns on a daily basis because i'm scared. my best friend invited me to go see her this weekend, and i had a massive mental breakdown and had to lie to her about why i couldn't go see her. i am sick of living like this, in fear, in hopelessness. it took me a while to realize i need help. it wasn't until i was laying in my bed and wishing i was dead so i wouldn't be scared anymore. until i actually thought suicide was an answer. it isn't. i need to go see a therapist, so i'm working to mentally prepare myself for that. i'm working on writing my thoughts down and, instead of keeping them for myself, send them to other people so i'm not keeping them for myself. i'm trying to focus on the positive instead of the negative, as hard as that is, to try and keep from having daily breakdowns. so far, it is helping. i am trying to build up courage to talk to my friends and not be scared. i'm working to try and avoid the people who have hurt me in the past, and move forward. i am working to get help. i am so sick of being unhealthy and being upset all the time, and i want to do everything i can to fix it. and i hope that helps somebody else to realize that life is an amazing thing, and you can be happy if you really want to be. i chose to tell my story not for sympathy, but for awareness. and to help others. if i can get better and fix your life, you can too. i will update as i start my recovery process and move forward in my life to help motivate some of you.
i hope for the best in all of us. you, me, and everybody. i hope we can continue to improve and get better. and make this life the best that it can be.
all my love to all of you. until next friday,
candi / savannah.
*please remember that all of my links are in the sidebar and to check them all out. -------->
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