my anxiety story! - living and managing with anxiety

this blog post is going to be a very personal post for me.  the reason i am sharing this is because i feel like it might help and benefit other people, as well as let me tell my story.  i want to be as personal and honest as i can with everyone, and this is a major part of me.  i hope to raise awareness to anxiety, as well as help those of you who are struggling with it.
as a young child, i had always been at a higher level than everyone else.  when i was 3 or 4, i started to read the street signs on the way to our house in vegas, and my parents would be very surprised that i knew what the signs said.  i excelled in kindergarten, was always praised by how smart i was and that i was the "smartest kid in the class" in 1st grade, and continued to excel up and until about 4th grade.  my fourth grade teacher was one of the worst people i have ever met.  she used to constantly tear me down and tell me things like that i was stupid, annoying, obnoxious, etc. one time, i was asked to read in class, and i was doing very well, but i messed up on one word.  instead of being a good teacher and telling me how to pronounce the word the right way, she waited until i was done reading and then laughed at me and yelled the right way to say it along with the word "stupid".  that is when i really started to hate going to school.  i came home and cried that day, starting to believe i actually was stupid. going into 5th grade, i was terrified.  my best friend was in a different class, i had (who i heard was.. and ended up being) an awful teacher, i could go on and on.  it ended up being really hard for me and my bestfriend to be friends because we were in two different classes, so i had become friends with these 2 girls in my class, who were really nice at the time.  it got to a point where everything i said was "stupid" and so they'd make fun of me and they'd kick my legs and i'd leave with bruises up and down my legs everyday.  i also had another girl in my class, who i wasn't friends with, who would steal from me and also make fun of me and the way i'd dress, act, everything i did was wrong in her eyes.  i left this part out in the beginning, but i'm going to add it here.  i started to dance in first grade, and i loved it.  it was a passion of mine.  i got on a competition team in 2nd grade and was on that dance team until my studio closed when i was in 4th grade.  i switched to a different studio. at first, the people there were absolutely amazing, and it was an amazing experience. my mom told all the other moms from my old studio that they should switch to the studio that i was going to.  the owner of the studio quickly drew her attention to the new girls, and pushed me to the side.  and on top of that, the girls started making fun of me for many things, one of which was the nasty bruises i always had on my legs, and calling me many other nasty things.  because the dance teacher wanted to please the new girls, she started putting me in the younger classes to please them.  she also, started picking on me and putting me down. so, on top of being teased by kids at school, i was also being teased by people in my dance class, even my dance teacher.  i decided at one point, i had had enough and that i wasn't going to let them win anymore.  the girl who stole from me all the time was making fun of me one day, so i wrote "what a fucking bitch" on the bottom of my assignment, and i cried through class.  when we had to turn the assignment in, i tore that off of the bottom of the paper and threw it on the floor.  we then had "secret scrap" (everybody knows what secret scrap is) and she picked that paper off of the floor.  she confronted me and told me she was going to turn it in to the principal.  i then cried all the way home, and locked myself in my room.  she never turned it into the principal, thank goodness, but she sure tried to scare me with it.  which really started my anxiety.  one of the other girls who would kick me everyday started kicking me again one day, so i called her a bitch and told her to get the hell away from me.  she then told my counselor, who called me down to her office, who from then till the end of the year i had to have weekly sessions with for my "anger", and the other girls got off scot-free.  my mom wouldn't let me quit dance till the end of the year, because they'd be out all of that money, so i had to suffer through that as well.  i was constantly terrified and almost always crying.  i decided that since i was done with elementary and we were all going to a new school, i would make new friends that would be better for me, and start fresh at a new school.

that next year, i reconnected with my best friend who was my best friend all the way through elementary except 5th grade.  we started to eat lunch together and hang out together.  we then sat with a new girl who came from korea and was in our p.e. class.  then, we all started inviting new people to sit with us and we became a whole new group of friends.  i felt super comfortable with my new friends, and felt like they were good people who would never hurt me like my past friends had.  i quit the dance team before school started, even though my mom made me try out, and the owner put me on the younger team, and we dropped out of team, but my mom made me continue classes.  i finally got out of classes in december of that year, because that's all i asked for my birthday, and i had officially become a dance dropout.  my new and improved life was amazing.  everything i had ever wanted.  my anxiety at that point went into almost a "remission" if that's possible.  i learned to calm down and breathe, and quit thinking of the worst scenario possible.  i also had quit swearing at that point in my life, which had benefitted me a ton.  i finished the year with flawless grades, amazing friends, and with a better life.

the next year, i had made even more really great friends, and we would talk all the time on facebook messenger.  so much, that i had fallen way behind in my school.  i trusted all of my friends with my whole life, and i didn't know what i would do without them.  i started opening up to my friends, and casually, they opened up back to me.  we all knew things about each other that only a couple other people knew.  then, one day, i started talking to this girl in my neighborhood who was really nice at the time, but had a completely attitude and standards than i did.  she got me back into swearing.  something i had worked so hard to get myself away from, and she dragged me back into it.  she wouldn't dress as appropriately as she probably should, and was so boy crazy it wasn't even crazy.  so, my friends and i would call her a slut and a whore behind her back.  she eventually found out, told the counselor,  and i was in the counselor's office for calling her a slut and a whore.  i started thinking back to where i was in 5th grade, in the counselor's office weekly getting lecture and lecture about my "anger issues" and how i'd needed to be nice to people.  my anxiety went insane, and i didn't talk to anybody for a whole week.  when i told all my friends about what happened, they helped calm me down and realize that i was alright.  a month after all of this had blown over and i had felt fine again, one of my friends had stabbed another one of my friends in the back, and i was stuck in the middle.  my anxiety again, had gone crazy.  that was a really hard point in my life, because i love them both and i din't know how to pick sides, nor did i want to.  so, i didn't.  but i had 2 friends who used to be really good friends and now hated each other and it was very difficult.  i ended that year split between people, and with my swearing habit back, and with constant anxiety.  i had a very hard time talking to my friends over the summer, because i was terrified that they'd think i was too clingy or too distant or too awkward or too whatever.  i started to think back to the constant anxiety i had throughout 5th grade, and how at one point i was so terrified that i would live like this the rest of my life that i thought taking my life was better than living like this.  and i thought i was going to have to go through it again.

beginning of 8th grade was another new school.  but the difference was that i wasn't starting new like i was at the last school.  i was going to stay with my friends and figure out my new life.  starting the new year, my friend who had stabbed my other friend in the back stabbed me and my best friend in the back, and we both had decided we were done and we were going to do our own thing.  at the time, i didn't ever really feel good so i went to go see my doctor.  we went and ran some tests, and i was diagnosed with mono, which caused me to be home a lot more than i wanted to be.  on top of that, my best friend who had helped me through a ton, was moving. it was very hard on me.  i felt like i hit a wall.  i was constantly having anxiety attacks, i was terrified to go to school, i was terrified everytime i'd walk out of one class to go to the next one, i'd be terrified to go to lunch, i was terrified of everything. when my best friend had left, i started sitting with one of my old friends and her new friends, which were all completely crazy and totally not my type.  i had a very hard time being around them, but that's the only place i felt i could go, despite the fact i had other friends who i loved that would gladly take me under their wing.  i felt as if i was going to disappoint them or they wouldn't like me anymore, so i pushed myself away from the people i loved because their opinion of me mattered too much to me, and i didn't want to get hurt. going forward through the year, i actually found that i really like these people that i had been with, and i had learned a ton from them.  they left the next year to go to an art school, and it was very difficult for me to let them leave believe it or not.

this year. up to current date.  i ended up going back and sitting with the chick who stabbed me in the back, and her friends.  i hang out with her friends more than her, but there are times that i do have to deal with her.  i don't really talk to my friends who go to the art school, and my friends from 7th grade, which makes me really sad.  i only have 3 people who i talk to frequently that i actually like. i get so nervous and scared that i make myself sick without even realizing it.   why am i going back to people who hurt me? why am i not talking to people i consider my really close friends? why am i avoiding everything? why do i make myself unhappy?  these are questions i ask myself on a daily basis.  the answer is, i don't know.  i would much rather go and be with my real friends, i'd much rather be happy.  i'd much rather live the life i dream of living.  there are so many other things i wish i was doing. but i'm not.  because i am afraid.  i am afraid that if i go back to people that are my close friends that i will do something wrong or embarrassing or offensive and ruin my chances.  i'm afraid of disappointment.  i'd rather be alone than disappointment.  i choose to avoid my friends and be with people i don't like because i am scared i will be disappointed.  i choose to be with people i can't stand because their opinions mean shit to me, while my friend's opinions mean so much and i'm terrified i will be disappointed by what they say.  i haven't talked to most of my friends since my birthday, which is in december.  and that breaks my heart.  i tend to come home and cry.  i have panic attacks on sundays at the thought of going back to school.  i have mental breakdowns on a daily basis because i'm scared.  my best friend invited me to go see her this weekend, and i had a massive mental breakdown and had to lie to her about why i couldn't go see her.  i am sick of living like this, in fear, in hopelessness.  it took me a while to realize i need help.  it wasn't until i was laying in my bed and wishing i was dead so i wouldn't be scared anymore.  until i actually thought suicide was an answer.  it isn't.  i need to go see a therapist, so i'm working to mentally prepare myself for that. i'm working on writing my thoughts down and, instead of keeping them for myself, send them to other people so i'm not keeping them for myself.  i'm trying to focus on the positive instead of the negative, as hard as that is, to try and keep from having daily breakdowns.  so far, it is helping.  i am trying to build up courage to talk to my friends and not be scared.  i'm working to try and avoid the people who have hurt me in the past, and move forward.  i am working to get help.  i am so sick of being unhealthy and being upset all the time, and i want to do everything i can to fix it.  and i hope that helps somebody else to realize that life is an amazing thing, and you can be happy if you really want to be.  i chose to tell my story not for sympathy, but for awareness. and to help others.  if i can get better and fix your life, you can too.  i will update as i start my recovery process and move forward in my life to help motivate some of you.

i hope for the best in all of us.  you, me, and everybody.  i hope we can continue to improve and get better.  and make this life the best that it can be.

all my love to all of you.  until next friday,
candi / savannah.

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iphone 6s review!

happy friday everybody! i recently switched my phone from an iphone 5s to an iphone 6s, which is my 3rd iphone.  (i had the iphone 4 before i had the 5s) and i thought i would review it for you today! let's hop right into it.

i got the rose gold (i call it pink) 64gb iphone 6s and my current carrier is at&t.  i had sprint with my last 2 iphones, but when at&t offered an unlimited plan that bundled with directv and was 10x cheaper than unlimited with sprint, we had to jump at the offer.  it was the best decision we have ever made.  so, if you are thinking about switching to at&t, do it.  that's beside the point, but i just thought i'd add that in there.  i never had updated my last phone because i had some problems with my older iphone when i updated it.  so, i had ios 7.3.  which was totally outdated and preceded to make my phone very slow.  i also could not download or update very many apps due to the fact that it had to be ios 8 or higher, which i did not have.  it is so nice to have ios 9 now.  it really makes my life easier on this phone.  i can do so much more!  if you are contemplating updating to ios 9, do it.  it has honestly made my life 1000000x easier, and i bet it will for you too.  my favorite thing about this phone, besides the color, #ofgb, my new carrier, and ios 9, is "hey siri".  it is so nice to be laying in my bed, with my phone across the room, wanting to know what time it is, or the date, or my song changed, and whatever else, and be able to just say "hey siri" and get a response without getting up.  i'm also obsessed with the updated, faster, finger scanner.  i can get my phone open without even seeing my lock screen!  the camera quality is amazing and i'm obsessed.  i love being able to take hq photos on my phone, and have a really great quality selfie.... lol.  the thing where you press on the screen and you can get a shortcut into the app is super annoying when you are trying to move the apps around, but otherwise very helpful.  i would recommend this phone to anyone who has the 5s and younger, but it is very similar to the 6 that i would wait until the 7.

RATE - 9/10
WOULD I RECOMMEND? - YES!!

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until next friday!
candi/savannah

my skincare routine!!

this is a blog post i wrote back in march that was never posted. so, i'd thought i'd post it today. hope you enjoy!!

i've had several questions lately about my skin, and what i use to keep it clean! so, i thought i'd write a skincare routine on here for those of you that have any questions.  so, let's get into it.

i have mild acne.  i break out really bad before my menstrual cycle, just like most, but other than that, i have little to no acne.  i believe cleaning my face twice everyday and all the products i use have a hand in that, but then again, it may just be my skin.  

i have three different routines, a morning skincare routine, a night time skincare routine, and a sunday night skincare routine, which all are different from one another.  i'm going to start out with my morning skincare routine.

i start out by pulling my hair back out of my face, get my face wet with a towel, and then put my face cleanser on my face.  i use the cetaphil daily facial cleanser in the mornings, and it looks like this

i have used this cleanser since i started washing my face, which was when i was 10-11.  i have sensitive skin, and this helps a ton.  it is super gentle, and doesn't burn.  it also leaves my face feeling incredibly soft.  i have tons of "must-have" skincare products, all of which i am going to list in this post, but this one, by far, is the one i can't live without.

next, i put on some eye cream, which i feel is super important due to my awful dark circles and dehydrated under-eyes.  i currently use the mac fast-response eye cream which looks like this

this is a very pricy product and i am very aware of that.  this was given to me as a gift about two years ago, and i have used it everyday up to today, and i still have half a bottle left.  so, i got my money's worth out of it, but it is way too expensive to justify and i probably won't repurchase it.  it is an amazing product.  i am sick quite often, and on top of that i have a very hard time sleeping, so i have awful dark circles.  this product has helped my under eyes a ton.  there are mornings that i wake up and all that i can see when i look in the mirror is my dark circles protruding out.  the moment i put this on, i can see some of the dark coloring under my eyes almost disappear.  i have loved this product, but as i said earlier, it is really expensive and i probably won't repurchase.

lastly, i put on my moisturizer.  i use the aveeno positively radiant daily moisturizer, which looks like this

i have struggled with moisturizers for several years.  i have tried every drugstore moisturizer under the sun, and everything either burned my face or made me break out.  when i bought this one, i was impressed with what it did for my skin.  i could almost instantly see the change.  my skin didn't look dry or like it was peeling everywhere, it looked healthy and hydrated.  i can see the difference in my skin on the days that i skip moisturizing.  this moisturizer is pricy for a drug store moisturizer, but it is absolutely worth every penny.

now, onto my night face routine

i believe that making sure to remove your makeup is very important.  leaving your makeup on can cause really bad acne and a super greasy face.  i have had makeup removers burn my face, make my face more greasy and oily, and i've had some do a real crappy job removing my makeup.  until, i started using these.  i use the yes to cucumbers makeup removing wipes which look like this

these are amazing.  they take every bit of makeup off of my face, they don't burn, they don't put oil on my face, they just do what they are supposed to do, and what most makeup wipes fail to do, remove makeup.

i use a different cleanser at night because i love my cetaphil cleanser and i don't want my skin to get used to it and cause me to break out.  this face cleanser is a little more time-consuming compared to cetaphil, so it is perfect for my night routine.  i use the aveeno positively radiant brightening cleanser which looks like this

i love this cleanser for the same reasons i love cetaphil.  it cleans my face, it doesn't burn, it doesn't cause me to break out, it is gentle, and it makes my face soft.  it isn't as good as cetaphil, if i had to pick between this and cetaphil i would choose cetaphil, but it still is an amazing cleanser.  it is good to mix it up sometimes, for your face's sake.

then, i apply the same eye cream and moisturizer and go to bed!

my sunday night face routine is more of a pamper routine, but it does help my face.
i am trying to find a really good face mask and under eye circle mask to add to my routine. so, if you know of some good ones, please let me know!

i tend to take a warm bath on sundays, and just use a cheap bubble bath or do it with nothing in it.  i need to get some bath bombs and bubble bars from lush, but the closest lush to me is two hours away, and i'm scared to ship lush products because i'm scared they will be broken when they get here.  but besides the point, the bath helps open my pores because of the steam and such, so right after i get out, i scrub my face.  i either use the bath and body works golden sugar scrub which looks like this

or i use a homemade peppermint sugar scrub, that my best friend made me for christmas.
they both work about the same, they help get all the dead skin off of my face, they clean the dirt out of my pores, and they leave my skin feeling super soft.

after i finish scrubbing my face, i wash my face with my aveeno cleanser, and then i use a blackhead nose strip to help get the blackheads off of my nose. i use the biore deep cleaning nose strips which looks like this

these are amazing.  they pull tons of blackheads out of my nose, and also help to shrink my pores to help prevent future blackheads! it is so satisfying / gross to pull the strip off of my nose, and see all the blackheads that just came out!

and then i apply my eye cream and moisturizer, and that's it!

i hope this post helped you all find some new products for you all to try! please leave a comment below telling me your must-have skincare products!

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blog posts go up every friday, so be sure to come back next friday for more posts!

until next friday!
candi / savannah
candireviewsblog@gmail.com